#along with some. empathy difficulties and social awkwardness...

[tzucasa]

Personal thoughts on the manga books I'm sadly sending away to the used bookshop... (Spoilers for everything):

Below: Thermae Romae / Buraiden Gai / Yamima no Mamiya / Peacemaker - Peacemaker Kurogane / Saint Young Men / Mental Tsuyome Bijo Shirakawa-san

Thermae Romae:

Always found it unfortunate that the media adaptations of this manga didn't do the original text much justice. The comedy of this manga is very clever, and also has a use in trying to bridge differing cultural roots- something which I found was slightly lacking in the adaptations for the sake of comic effect.

Lucius is very much my type; quite socially awkward and useless at doing anything other than his passions. Probably because I relate to that. I like how the author (who grew up in various places overseas, mainly Italy I believe) adapts foreign concepts in ways that are well understood by the common Japanese person - My lifelong melancholy is feeling misunderstood by both the Western people I live with and the Japanese people back home, so it's relieving to see a solution for that through someone else's work. I intuitively feel like this is a kind of romantic (lol) view and simultaneously a reflection on a love-hate relationship with the mythical Roman mindset, which is something I've found common in Italian people I've met in my life.

The ending and how both Satsuki and Lucius find a space to exist between themselves where both found their own status quo uncomfortable is satisfying. It's a very specific kind of Cinderella story where they both save each other in practical ways - through their niche knowledge. A kind of romance I dream of.

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Buraiden Gai:

The most complete Fukumoto story in terms of the overall narrative in my opinion. I feel like the ending which severs the definition of "independence" (burai - not relying on anyone) between a "hyper-independent" one that Gai starts off with and a mature, "anti-authoritarian" one to cut your ties from authority is basically at the core of what Fukumoto is always trying to depict. And with it, the difficulty of gaining solidarity without falling into conformity. Kaiji is a more focused, realistic version of that journey coming from a true pathetic underdog whereas Gai is a mythical tale.

I think it's a very 'male depression' kind of manga and yet it probably requires a lot of empathy on the reader's part to understand how Gai is feeling. I think I did a lot of the thinking to have this as my favourite fkmt work, so it's understandable why it isn't as popular - Still a shame though.

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Yamima no Mamiya:

Unfinished. Will keep up with the new volumes digitally; letting go of these volumes since I don't know if I'm committed enough to have these physically. (I kept Ten.)

Interested in how he'll take the character of Mamiya. Very Gen Z character. I like how consciously un-sexualised she is in terms of visuals and personality, but kind of don't know how to take her betting on her body etc.

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Peacemaker - Peacemaker Kurogane:

Basically a shounen-ai / BL series disguised as a historical shounen with really stylish art in terms of the time it was made. The series is on pause iirc; I believe it went on for too long and the style/story fell behind the fashions of manga unfortunately.

I had a phase obsessed with Shinsengumi history, and in hindsight that was for how 'outsider' history it was in terms of Samurai history - They were approved by the shogunate, but came from illegitimate roots, and were the 'Last Samurai' before the formal start of Western influence on Japan... Yet, they failed their main mission. The obsession some Japanese nerds have over this group is probably a sort of remaining ghostly imperialist / nationalist romance, at least it was for me. I enjoy how rock'n'roll the art is along with the chapters being titled from Beatles songs - I think that's a really clever choice when taking into account how important the Beatles were for Japanese youths in the 60s to become obsessed with western music and culture, and it's what made me like Peacemaker over other Shinsengumi media, which tends to focus too much on the "Traditional Japanese" aesthetic and tragedy of it all, when in reality the history is much more loaded in terms of implication.

The 'Shinsengumi Fandom' as I remember it was also primarily women; I think the tragic elements (the inevitable fall of a macho group, a skilled swordsman dying from disease etc) of a group that would've probably been power hungry menaces had they succeeded in what they wanted to do makes them all super attractive to the female fantasy.

Letting the volumes go since I've simply outgrown that.

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Saint Young Men:

Still have a lot of respect for this series. Jesus and Buddha as roommates. Lots of religious jokes that would never be as popular outside of Japan. I stopped being able to laugh mindlessly at this manga recently though, and that's probably because I've become more spiritual and less completely atheist. I also wish for independent spiritualism to return in Japan.

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Mental Tsuyome Bijo Shirakawa-san:

A feminist kind of light-hearted manga about an objectively super attractive adult woman, Shirakawa-san who has to survive the small frictions she experiences, mostly from other women who are jealous of her. The story expands to other characters around her who feel insecure in all kinds of ways, and Shirakawa-san helps them gain confidence. Encourages women to be proud in a healthy way of their identity and have self love.

Works best as a sort of "mantra-read" to blow off some steam with relatable content; Gets repetitive after a while. Not working in corporate anymore and I can't use it for that anymore so letting it go.

[elliespuns]

I wonder what Joel would be like with someone’s who’s AuDHD 🧐…

I just want to say this is such a thoughtful question. I actually have a best friend who has AuADHD. Now, I am neurodivergent myself and I have some aspects of autism too, but not ADHD, so you could say me and my best friend are complete opposites. Yet, despite this, we share a lot of similarities in our personalities. We're both introverted, socially awkward, very sensitive, emotionally aware, and empathy is extremely strong in us. And I think that's why we were able to connect so well as friends even though she's sometimes too chaotic for me and I'm too calm for her.

When it comes to Joel's hypothetical romantic partner having AuADHD, it's likely he does not share this condition himself. His potential reaction and ability to coexist with a partner with it would likely be heavily influenced by both his own personality as well as his partner's personality. If Joel and his partner had similar personality traits and behaviors, it's probable that living and being in a relationship with someone with AuADHD would not pose serious challenges or difficulties for Joel to adapt to. However, if there were stark differences between their personalities and how they approach life, relationships and communication, then it may prove somewhat more challenging for Joel to navigate. Not necessarily in a bad or catastrophic way, but more so in the sense that there would need to be a period of understanding, accommodation and finding ways to make the relationship work despite the differences in brain function and behaviors. Joel's quiet and stoic nature would likely be challenged if his partner would be the exact opposite of himself. The constant energy, impulsivity, and unpredictability of ADHD can be a lot for an introverted personality like him to handle at times. He would probably need to make a conscious effort to be extra patient, understanding, and open-minded about the unique qualities of ADHD. This would require stepping out of his comfort zone as a reserved character who prefers a more measured pace of life. Despite the challenges, Joel would likely be very supportive and accepting of his partner. He cares deeply about the ones he loves and wants the best for them. Even if it stretched him as a person, he would try to be accommodating in small ways, like being more flexible with plans or giving gentle reminders when needed. Joel's steady presence could actually be beneficial for someone with AuADHD, providing a calming influence and sense of stability. His loyalty and reliability would be an anchor that his partner could count on. It might take some time for Joel to fully adjust and find a rhythm that works for both of them. He'd need to communicate his needs and boundaries clearly. But ultimately, his love and commitment would win out over any personal struggles he faces. He'd be there for the highs and lows, celebrating his partner's brilliant ideas while also being a voice of reason when impulses needed to be checked. It would be an adjustment for them both, but it could bring out new depths in Joel as he learns to lean into his supportive nature even more. Some of his wall would need to come down in order to provide the emotional support and acceptance his partner needs and deserves. Over time, they could grow and evolve together, learning new ways of communicating and navigating life's ups and downs as a team. It's a dynamic that would have some interesting conflicts and heartwarming moments as they figur out how to make it work. But Joel's love would be a constant North Star guiding them through. He'd be there to hold his partner's hand through the storm, even if it meant weathering some emotional whirlwinds along the way.

[surgerymarketing]

Bariatric Surgery Growth Strategies

Do not misunderstand the procedure of bariatric surgery marketing by comparing it to advertising a brand-new gym membership. Marketing bariatric surgery is a work of balancing sensitivity and creativity, along with a total understanding of the potential patients' needs. Let us plunge into some winning strategies that would bring you into the audience with a lot of fun.

Know Your Audience (Hint: They’re Not Looking for Kale Recipes)

Candidly, before you even think about architecting brilliant campaigns, first understand the audience that you are addressing. Potential clients for bariatric surgery are overweight people who are health-challenged. They are not just looking for a course of action; they are looking for hope, for health, for a fresh start altogether.

Conduct surveys or use social listening tools to grasp their concerns, fears, and motivations. Knowing what makes them tick will help you craft messages that resonate.

Content That Clicks, Not Clutters

Let's be honest: Nobody wants to listen to boring, creatively deadening lingo coming out of mouths filled with sealed medical talk. Create content that is learning but also bursting with its education textbook like a talk-show host.

Blog Ideas: "How Bariatric Surgery Helped Me Dance at My Daughter’s Wedding" or "10 Things You Didn’t Know About Bariatric Surgery (But Should)."

Video Content: Animated explainer videos or heartfelt patient testimonials.

Infographics: Keep it visual and digestible (pun intended).

Your website: More Than a Digital Brochure

Your website should be as inviting and comforting as a coffee shop on a rainy day. Make sure that the user finds it user-friendly and is able to easily navigate through the entire site without any difficulty, along with providing all resources.

Key Features to Include:

Success stories (with before-and-after photos if patients consent)

FAQs and informative articles

Contact forms and appointment booking options

HIPAA-compliant messaging system (privacy matters!)

Social Media: Be Real, Be Relatable

No more bland advertisements. Social networking for bariatric surgery marketing calls for empathy, education, and entertainment. Share life stories on Facebook, Instagram, and yes, even TikTok!

Post Ideas:

"Transformation Tuesday" success stories

Behind-the-scenes clips from your team

Live Q&A sessions with your doctors

SEO: Your Secret Weapon

Consider SEO to be your website's trainer. It keeps everything in shape so potential patients can find you. For example, insert keywords such as "bariatric surgery marketing" in different places on your site. Don't overstuff, though hate that!

SEO Must-Dos:

Regularly update your blog with fresh, relevant content.

Use local keywords to attract patients near your clinic.

Optimize page loading speeds — no one likes a slowpoke.

Paid Ads: Because Organic Reach Is So 2010

Pay-to-play is sometimes the name of the game. Conduct search engine marketing (SEM) and social media ads to catch the attention of those actively seeking weight loss aids.

Ad Ideas:

"Ready for a Lighter, Healthier You? Let’s Talk!"

"Transform Your Life with Expert Bariatric Surgery Care."

You need to ensure that your advertisements appear attractive and that you update them at least bi-weekly so that your audience does not develop ad fatigue.

Reputation Management: Your Online Bedside Manner

Many prospective patients will weigh positive reviews when making decisions. Thus, encourages satisfied patients to voice their good experiences while professionally responding to all forms of feedback (even the cranky ones).

Host Events (Without the Awkward Ice Breakers)

Incorporate information seminars or webinars on possible patients that can help them learn low-pressure conditions about your services. Even better if you bring in some previous patients who would be inspired to testify about their experience with the treatments.

Let’s Get Your Bariatric Surgery Marketing in Shape

To market bariatric surgery effectively, you probably want to shed a little serious air from the whole business. When you've got a little strategy, a little empathy, and a pinch of amusement, people come to trust you, attract new patients, and most importantly, start making real change.

If you need such a serious partner, lighten the load while making such heavy-duty serious gains: 'Get Surgery Leads' is in the business of making customized bariatric surgery marketing machines that work well. Contact Get Surgery Leads and start cutting the path to a healthier, thriving practice!

Want to scale up your bariatric practice? Unlock the power of 'Bariatric Digital Marketing: The Weight-Loss Surgeon’s Secret Weapon.' Click to learn the strategies that deliver real results

[1dreality]

Zayn Malik was never the celebrity you thought he was. If it wasn’t already obvious from his detached, often melancholic interviews in the wake of his 2015 departure from One Direction, it will be from the title of his second solo album. The very elongated 27-track Icarus Falls is comprised of more of the sparse R&B that Malik has perfected since his first release Mind of Mine in 2016, but like its titular myth is also indebted to themes of incredible ascent and crushing decline.

A decline not of Malik’s career, it should be said, but rather of his own mental health, the album serving as both an intimate meditation on Malik’s life so far and a dire warning about the trauma of instant fame. It all leads to one obvious question: Is Zayn OK?

In an age of millennial openness and Instagram confessionals, Malik remains something of an outlier: an enormously famous and highly visible celebrity, but one whose ambiguity allows us to project much onto him. In our collective consciousness, he has been the 1D-fleeing villain, smoking cigarettes, being mean to his bandmates on Twitter and looking miserable as well as the “soft boy” pin-up, a vulnerable figure in desperate need of a hug.

Much of that ambiguity is intentional. Along with declining to tour Mind of Mine, Malik is often press-shy, choosing not to take part in TV sit-downs or play the social media game in an era in which somebody like Ariana Grande spends much of the waking day interacting with her fans on Twitter and Instagram.

And while Malik has been open about some of his past struggles, including his battle with an eating disorder at the height of his One Direction fame and consistent difficulties with anxiety, they’re often revelations that feel accidental in nature. We learn of them during an unexpected moment of truth-telling between him and a journalist, the subject quickly changed soon after, or through lyrics that are just descriptive enough to imply deep truths. Even talking about his anxiety in an essay for Time Magazine felt like a necessary course-correction after a string of cancelled gigs led to unflattering rumours about his health in the press.

Whether Malik’s public persona is intended as a protective mask or not, it is still difficult, particularly in the wake of Icarus Falls, not to feel something for him. After all, his jump from a working-class kid to an international superstar worth a reported $50 million, practically overnight, is the sort of trajectory most of us would struggle with at the age of 40, let alone at 17 when Malik auditioned for The X Factor.

Icarus Falls doesn’t cover any new sonic ground for Malik as an artist. It sees him return to the same well of threadbare, silky R&B that helped Mind of Mine easily trounce his fellow One Direction bandmates in the “best first solo record” stakes. But it does whirr with a noticeable sadness, Malik repeatedly mourns the peace of his pre-X Factor past and beats himself up for mistakes he feels that he’s made since. And when he speaks of emotional pain, it often sounds not like something confined to history, but rather something he’s dealing with every day.

“I’d rather be anywhere but here,” he sings on Good Years. “I close my eyes and see a crowd of a thousand tears / I pray to God I didn’t waste all my good years.” On Insomnia: “I’ve been roaming and strolling all in the streets / Burning my eyes red, not slept for weeks.” On Back to Life: “I been flying so long / Can’t remember what it was like to be sober.” On Satisfaction: “Nobody said this would be easy / Nobody gave me a rule book to follow.”

Even typical love songs are fatalistic in nature, talk of Armageddon running through both Flight of the Stars (“I will follow / Hold you close standing on the edge of no tomorrow”) and Tonight (“Love me like tomorrow’s never gonna come”), while much of the album nods to an unnamed great love in Malik’s life that he needs to overcome incredible odds to be with – nothing new for love songs, but given a greater weight when paired with his statements over the years. Because if we know anything about Zayn Malik, it’s that he often can’t stand being Zayn Malik.

Through much of the little press he has done, Malik has expressed unease with most of the trappings of fame, particularly the assumptions that he ought to be personable and friendly with industry figures or musical collaborators. And when it comes to One Direction, he still appears burnt by the experience. While he told Vogue in November that he has recently been able to see his time with the band as “an amazing experience,” despite the “bulls---” of what he refers to as “the machine,” he also told GQ in June that he didn’t make any actual friends during the peak of his fame: “I definitely have issues trusting people.”

In the numerous articles that pop up every winter recalling how good The X Factor used to be, clips are embedded that showcase many of its most memorable contestants, and every year it becomes that bit more shocking how much One Direction looked like children during their time on the show. The scrawny limbs, those Justin Bieber haircuts, the awkward school-talent-show bopping and shuffling. It somehow worked, enough at least to turn them into a tween phenomenon, but in hindsight it’s indefensible that they were pushed as significantly as they were.

There was always something deer-in-the-headlights about the band in its early days, a sense that at least a few of them had been pulled along for the ride as opposed to having a firm grip on the steering wheel. The hunger so visible in pop bands of similar notoriety, whether manufactured or not, wasn’t always visible – and while all of them have transitioned into stable adults who are, for the most part, comfortable in the spotlight, their jarringly different responses to fame remain clear.

It’s important to remember, for context’s sake, that Malik was always a reluctant star. Only attending his original X Factor audition after being guilted by his mother into waking up early and making the journey there, he was, in his own words to The Fader, “a lazy teen”. And even during the audition stages, he expressed reluctance to properly join in, walking off stage during a choreography rehearsal and having to be coaxed to go back. At the time, Malik’s reaction registered as a petulant strop, but now feels oddly prescient.

Of Malik’s One Direction bandmates, Harry Styles was always the most naturally inclined to superstardom – such an affable schmoozer and networker that it was quickly no longer surprising to see images of him palling around with Mick Jagger or Stevie Nicks. Liam Payne always bore the personality of someone very eager to be seen, lack of self-awareness very much included, while the perpetually chipper Niall Horan has always simply appeared very, very happy to be there. But both Malik and Louis Tomlinson have often visibly struggled, uninspired by the more performative and fraudulent elements of celebrity, or the levels of attention handed to them by Simon Cowell and co.

“What I really can’t ever get used to, or really enjoy, are these super geared-up celebrity parties,” Tomlinson told Noisey last year. “No one actually cares. You see people who are beyond self-absorbed, and that’s why it can be a dangerous place.”

Malik has echoed similar sentiments. “I don’t work well in group situations, with loads of people staring at me,” he told GQ. “And when you say ‘star’… everyone wants you to be this kind of character that owns a room or is overly arrogant or confident. I’m not that guy, so I don’t want to be a star.”

What’s odd is that, for all his claims, Malik does bear all the superficial trappings of modern stardom. He’s a fashion darling but is permanently magnetised to the covers of cool indie magazines. Furthermore, his on-again/off-again relationship with supermodel Gigi Hadid has, since 2015, become a Generation Z equivalent of Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder in its aesthetic-heavy, era-defining popularity.

But Malik is also simultaneously detached. The GQ profile, his most extensive recent interview, bears all the hallmarks of a journalist struggling to fulfil a word count because of an uncommunicative subject, writer Carrie Battan even expresses Malik’s tendency to reply to her questions in “friendly but anodyne one-liners.” Like the very best of pop idols, from Britney to Beyoncé, Malik is so compelling principally because he’s so hard to read. But this can also be a poisoned chalice: every expression of doubt or self-pity determined to be a cry for help, every revelation shaping an image that may or may not be real.

It means that listening to Icarus Falls isn’t an entirely joyous experience, Malik’s lyrics painting a picture of a young man still working through the discomfort of his sudden fame and the trauma of a moment in the spotlight marred by illness and fractured relationships, many of its scars still visible today. But it’s also a record that you can’t help but admire as a result, especially if it serves as a form of catharsis for him.

In the decade since Britney Spears was forcibly taken to the hospital surrounded by hundreds of paparazzi photographers, our collective relationship with the idea of fame has greatly altered, particularly for a generation who watched Amy Winehouse essentially die before their eyes. The one beneath them are currently coming to terms with a raft of recent pop star crises, from Demi Lovato’s overdose to the deaths of artists like Mac Miller and Lil Peep.

For all the obvious charms in Malik’s life, from his incredible fortune to a kind of artistic freedom that he never had in One Direction, you’d have to be particularly cold not to feel empathy for the sheer strangeness of his adult existence; a world of rampant, maddening attention that has historically led even the strongest of stars into tragedy.

The Zayn Malik of today is a little bruised, a little listless, his magazine profiles never complete without references to the cloud of marijuana smoke that lingers around him, or his need to lock himself away from the world. It doesn’t sound like the most ideal of outcomes for a man who calls himself a pop idol Icarus and sings with whispery detachment that he has “[flown] too close to the sun.” But we can only hope that it at least serves as a parachute.

[lycorogue]

Gabriel Agreste: A 3-Part Character Study

Part 2: My Headcanon for the Life and Thoughts of Gabriel

Hello again. In the first part of this series I explained my thought process as to why I bothered writing this collection of mini-essay/short story. If you missed it, feel free to go back and read that here.

Alternatively, if you want to hop ahead to my re-write of Gabriel Agreste in order to make him a legitimate sympathetic villain, you can find that essay here.

Now, before we continue with this psuedo-story, I want to throw in just a quick reminder-disclaimer. Below is my headcanon on Gabriel Agreste's history, and a sort of personality study under the assumption that he's similar to the man I know IRL and discussed briefly in Part 1. By no means is there any canonical evidence of any of this being accurate. Also, while I'm trying to explain Gabe's behavior and reasoning, by no means am I justifying or condoning it. You may continue to love or hate or love to hate or hate to love Gabriel however you please.

Anyway, check below the break to read my little pseudo-narrative short story on my headcanon history of Gabriel's life prior to us meeting him in the “Miraculous Ladybug” series, as well as my headcanon of his defining personality trait which might explain his behavior towards Adrien, Emilie, Nathalie, and The Gorilla.

Gabriel was a lonely kid. He was an only child. His parents loved him and cared for him, but they never really connected with him. He was never really all that expressive. His parents tried multiple things to bond with him over, but he was most comfortable alone in his room doing his own thing.

At university he remained a loner. He still didn't really make many connections with the other students. He was friendly with his roommate, and was willing to hang out with him and his friends, but none of the friends talked to Gabriel without the roommate there, and Gabe never initiated any interactions with the roommate. Instead, he focused on his artwork and his fashion design.

When Gabriel was about 25 his professor and mentor commented that his designs were uninspired and stale, and wondered what happened. Nothing had happened. Gabriel was just bored with life. His flatmate suggested he try going out into the world, outside his comfort zone, and observe people in order to become re-inspired. Despite himself, Gabriel agreed. He ended up going to the local watering hole by himself, and hid in the corner to try to people watch. Not even twenty minutes into this experiment, Gabriel decided it was a stupid plan and hurried out, only to run into Emilie. Literally.

If you want to read more about how I believe their first interaction went down, you can find it here.

It was an awkward and playful courtship. Outgoing, social butterfly, extroverted Emilie did everything in her power to keep Gabriel on the edge of uncomfortable as a way of broadening his horizon. She took him out to parties, social gatherings, and just public in general. She also allowed him his private time, but tended to make him try new foods, or would hide his favorite colored pencils in order to force him to try different art mediums. He soon discovered that he enjoyed the new medium of digital drawing more than colored pencils, even though he would always love the classic method.

Emilie pushed him, but Gabriel loved that about her. Every time he was down on himself she would pick him up. Every time he wanted to hide and hibernate she would pull him outside. Every time he was so engrossed in his work that he would forget to eat she would drag him to the kitchen to try out a new recipe she found.

Not everything was sunshine and roses though. There were some significant spats between them. With his life experiences, he grew to hate humanity, while she gladly embraced it. She picked on him for “not being nice” while he considered her wildly optimistic and naïve. He was gruff and callous, while she was loving, and strong enough to not put up with his crap. It only kept a couple of months before she could call him out with a glance.

She was so good for him, and he knew it. He appreciated it. And he was amazed that she picked him. He never once took her for granted, nor did he forget that she could have chosen anyone. He knew she had other options, and yet he was the one who lucked out enough to have stolen her heart. He didn't understand her love for him, for he never felt such a strong compassion towards him before. Still, he basked in the warm glow from her, and thanked whatever Greater Power That Be that she was with him.

His hatred for humanity as a whole waned slightly, mostly because Emilie kept showing him the positive. Every time he wanted to scoff, scorn, or dismiss someone he pictured Emilie's disappointed look, and it helped him become better. She became his consciousness. She became his empathy. She became his moral compass and compassion. She made him want to be better; to be the kind man she somehow thought he was.

Simply put: she became his everything. Life no longer was worth living without her. She was his sun and moon. She was his earth and sky. She was his smile and reason. And soon she became his wife.

He was nervous about not giving her the life that she deserved. They were still in a crappy little apartment covered in his drawings and fabric samples. However, Emilie got her start acting in an independent film created by an old school friend: Andre Bourgeois. While on set one day, Andre's fiance Audrey visited and noticed an outfit Emilie was wearing; an outfit Gabriel made her as a birthday gift. Audrey loved it and demanded to know the designer. Emilie excitedly called Gabriel down to the set where he met the upcoming fierce fashion critic. She thought he was the most inspired designer she had ever met, and gushed about him in her latest article in a big-name French fashion magazine.

Gabriel quickly became The Next Big Thing. He got a sense of pride knowing that he could finally provide for his amazing wife, and they enjoyed their time together inside their new mansion. Gabe doted on Emilie, treating her as both an equal and a cherished princess.

It was Emilie who convinced Gabriel to hire an assistant, and she was the one who pointed out the impressive resume of Nathalie Sancoeur. Emilie even listened in on the interview, and instantly loved Nathalie's personality. She figured that Nathalie could be just as good for Gabriel in his professional life as Emilie was in his personal. It didn’t take much for Emilie to convince Gabriel to hire the stoic woman.

Life was great. Gabriel could do the work he had always loved doing, and he could provide for his beloved wife while doing so. Nathalie helping with the day-to-day duties meant Gabe had more time for his wife as well, because what would be the point of all this money if he couldn't spend time with the reason for his waking? They were happy.

Then, when they were in their thirties, Emilie became pregnant. Gabriel didn't know how to respond. He remembered his own parents' failed attempt to bond with him, and he could sense that he'd have the same difficulties. He wasn't a people person. But he could tell how excited Emilie was, and she convinced him that he'd fall in love once he held their child. So he prepared for this new chapter of his life along side his wife.

When Emilie had Adrien she experienced a new level of love. Gabriel, however, did not. He loved Adrien. He truly did. He didn't realize he could care for anyone outside of Emilie, but there was this new and fragile life needing him, and he cared. He knew he would protect this precious little bean with all his might, but he also knew that Emilie is still his number one. She took up too much of his heart. Plus, the two of them created Adrien, while Gabriel and Adrien could never recreate Emilie.

Gabriel felt ashamed at thinking so, but he knew that while Emilie wasn’t replaceable, as long as Gabriel had her, Adrien could be replaced. It would hurt. A new child would never be the same, but at least with Emilie there was hope of returning to this family unit. He could always have another child; he could never have another wife, another love like Emilie.

Life changed more than Gabriel was ready for now that he was a father. More importantly, now that Emilie was a mother. She started pulling away from Gabe. Motherhood became her, and she connected with Adrien in a way Gabriel just couldn’t. Despite himself, Gabe became jealous of his own son. His own precious child. He reminded himself that he loved his son, but in the quiet of his mind he couldn't deny that he also missed the days when it was just him and Emilie.

The trio had family game nights that Gabriel half-heartedly participated in. They had movie nights that consisted of Gabriel working on his tablet or phone until Adrien passed out. Then he'd shift his son on the sofa so that he could have the space to snuggle up to his wife. They had family outings together: Emilie watching Adrien's glee; Gabriel watching Emilie's.

Emilie eventually called Gabriel out on the distance between her boys. Just like when they were dating and she pushed Gabriel to interact with people in order to make friends, she now pushed him to put in more effort to bond with their son. He wanted to. He really did. He wanted to laugh and play with Adrien the way that Emilie did. He wanted Adrien to run to him the way the small boy raced to his mother. More importantly, Gabriel wanted to make Emilie proud of him; to prove that he was the great father she envisioned him to be. So Gabriel started teaching Adrien about hard work, about applying himself, and about fashion.

It worked for a while. Emilie even loved the idea of their gorgeous little Adrien being the face of her husband’s brand. It felt like a great honor and show of love. But soon it just became an obligation, and both men feared breaking the one thing that tied them together. So Gabriel and Adrien begrudgingly continued with the photo shoots and ads. They both knew, however, that the only real glue holding them together was Emilie.

Then, about a year ago, something happened. Emilie is gone. Gabriel couldn’t accept never seeing his sunshine, his purpose for life, anymore, and hid her in the basement. He had no clue how to tell Adrien, and after so many months of hiding Emilie, he can't find a way to let his son now without breaking the boy's heart. Gabriel fears that Adrien knows about his father's jealousy, and would blame him for Emilie. Gabe is already overwhelmed with his own guilt at not being able to protect her. He can’t survive Adrien possibly adding to it. Adrien is his only family now; his only tie to Emilie, the only part of her still warm.

And Adrien looks so much like her. He acts like her too. Gabriel never noticed that before, and it pains him. He can't lose Adrien, he wouldn't be able to survive it. But he also can't bear to be with his son. Adrien is too much of a reminder of Emilie: her grace, her love of life and people, her kindness, her beauty, and her intelligence. Adrien is also too much of a reminder of Gabriel's guilt. Guilt in not keeping Emilie safe. Guilt in hiding her from Adrien, hoping his son would understand once she's with them again. Guilt about being jealous of his son's connection to Emilie, and the attention and part of her heart he took from Gabriel. Guilt about becoming a villain; hoping the ends will eventually justify the means.

He has to get Emilie back, though. There is no other option. He can't be a good human being without her; he doesn't know how. He can't feel compassionate towards others; he only feels hatred, and envy that he can no longer have what everyone else does. No one else's pain could be more than his. The world was simply there to keep him from his life's meaning, and he is determined to get the Ladybug and Cat Miraculouses in order to change that.

Well... that became a lot longer than I originally planned, but I hope it was an interesting character study. Again, I'm not trying to justify or condone Gabriel's behavior; just trying to explain it. Long and short is that I feel Gabriel is at the very least a sociopath, but may be extreme enough to be deemed a psychopath.

Now, granted, I only took two psych classes in college, so I can’t say for sure, but it FEELS like he’s somewhere on the sociopath spectrum. Especially when compared to this quote: 

"The psychopath is callous, yet charming. He or she will con and manipulate others with charisma and intimidation and can effectively mimic feelings to present as "normal" to society. The psychopath is organized in their criminal thinking and behavior, and can maintain good emotional and physical control, displaying little to no emotional or autonomic arousal, even under situations that most would find threatening or horrifying. The psychopath is keenly aware that what he or she is doing is wrong, but does not care.

"Conversely, the sociopath is less organized in his or her demeanor; he or she might be nervous, easily agitated, and quick to display anger. A sociopath is more likely to spontaneously act out in inappropriate ways without thinking through the consequences. Compared to the psychopath, the sociopath will not be able to move through society committing callous crimes as easily, as they can form attachments and often have 'normal temperaments.' . . ."

The quote is from Kelly McAleer, Psy.D, and I found the quote here.

Anyway, there were two more elements of Gabriel’s history that I wanted to put in the above “story,” but I also feel like they would have felt out of place because they didn't specifically showcase Gabriel:

Hiring The Gorilla: I see this happening when Adrien is still about a toddler or so; about age 6 at the latest. The media and crazed fans start becoming too much, and so Gabriel feels the need to hire a bodyguard. Mostly because Emilie refuses to just have Nathalie pick up groceries and the like. She wanted to still go out and experience their city, and take Adrien with, so the couple compromised that she'd have a bodyguard with her. Over the years, though, The Gorilla falls for his charges in a very familial sense. Emilie is like his little sister, and Adrien like his nephew. He loves them and will do anything for them. This love for Adrien is one of the only reasons why he remained in Gabriel's employ after Emilie went missing, especially with the harassment he receives from his employer.  

Adrien's Isolation: In Origins we find out that Adrien has been home schooled his whole life. In Malediktator we find out that not only did Adrien and Chloe use to play together as young kids, but also that she is the only one his age he has ever interacted with. Presumably, he hung out with Chloe because of the proximity to the Grand Paris in relation to the Agreste mansion, as well as the connection between the two families thanks to Emilie. In Mr. Pigeon however, Chloe had to introduce herself to Gabriel and noted that she was the mayor's daughter, not Audrey's. Granted, this is probably because the writers hadn't figured out the familial connection or who Chloe's mother was yet, but in-universe it could be because Chloe only ever saw Nathalie, The Gorilla, and/or Emilie, and she was used to throwing the “my father is the mayor” weight around. Anyway, my point being that Adrien could have been the face of Gabriel's clothing line since he was a toddler, and so his parents feared having a celebrity child in public schooling. The oddity though, was that Adrien's name was on Mrs. Bustier's class roster, Chloe knew he would be in her class, and Adrien attempted to get to the school that first day – as seen in Origins. I don't know if it's different in France, but in America a guardian has to register you for school, which means someone had to register him for Mrs. Bustier's class. Gabriel clearly didn't want him to go, and Nathalie didn't seem to be the type to sign him up behind Gabriel's back. Because of this, I believe Emilie was still around during the summer break between the school years, and had decided that Adrien was ready to get back out into the world and make more friends. She probably signed him up and let him know, explaining that he'd have Chloe in his class so he wouldn't feel alone. Adrien was probably ecstatic about this, and talked to Chloe about it. Then, when Emilie... well, whatever it is that happened to her... Gabriel panicked. He couldn't chance losing Adrien, and so he changed his mind about the public schooling. The decision wasn't made soon enough to cancel the registration with the school though, which is why he was still expected that first day. Nathalie probably convinced Gabriel to let Adrien go by invoking “it's what Emilie wanted.”

Anyway, as I mentioned in Part 1 of this series, I had come up with an alternative way of writing Gabriel's character. One that would make him legitimately a sympathetic villain. One that won't be abusive towards Adrien, at least, intentionally. One that could actually make the eventual battle between the Agreste men even more heart wrenching. A way to write Gabriel that could have added so much depth to the overall drama and dynamic of the show.

If you would like to see my thoughts on this re-write, I'll see you at Part 3 of this series.

[mbti-notes]

Okay, so I'm making a case for Joel as an INFJ, please tell me what you think. He begins the movie stressed out, perhaps as a consequence of the memory erasure process. There are many signs of inferior Se: he skipped work and traveled to Montauk (and says he doesn’t know why, he’s usually not an impulsive person), he decides to forget about Clem after he finds out that she decided to do so and makes a drama out of it, the movie is an illustration of Joel’s thinking process with its nonlinear...

You’ve made some good points and I see where you’re coming from. I don’t remember the movie well enough to respond to the details you’ve provided in kind, so I can only address your reasoning process.

He begins the movie stressed out, perhaps as a consequence of the memory erasure process. There are many signs of inferior Se: he skipped work and traveled to Montauk (and says he doesn’t know why, he’s usually not an impulsive person),

The tendency to be impulsive can be attributable to Se or Ne issues, and everyone has one of the two, so this is not definitive proof of Se let alone inferior Se. There are extraneous neurological factors that might be causing the impulsivity, therefore, it is not certain that it is caused solely by his personality problems. Brain damage produces impulsive behavior when executive function is compromised. “Not usually impulsive” can be true of many types, even Se/Ne doms who have learned good impulse control. This is a clue about his past behavior or at least about how he perceives himself, but it is not a very useful clue on its own.

he decides to forget about Clem after he finds out that she decided to do so and makes a drama out of it

Fs in general tend to be overdramatic about relationship problems and blow them out of proportion. Fi-Te tends to be more vindictive than Fe-Ti.

the movie is an illustration of Joel’s thinking process with its nonlinear structure (Ni’s tendency to overthink and have convoluted ideas, memories and thoughts) and blurred shots (Ni’s detachment from the external world).

Ns in general tend to have convoluted ideas and have difficulty sorting and organizing their thoughts, Ne more so than Ni because it is divergent rather than convergent. I don’t agree that the nonlinear structure means what you say; I think it is simply a way of illustrating how the memory procedure screws with your mind, because one of the themes of the film is exploring the implications/dangers of such technology on human psychology.

He enjoys writing and reading books (and can be critical and pretentious, as seen by how he talks about Clem’s limited vocabulary), which is common for Ni-doms.

Ns of all stripes can be pretentious when they believe that their own thoughts are more “complex” or “sophisticated” than others’. NJs can be pretentious because Ni believes it sees the so-called “hidden truth” that others are too whatever to see. NPs can be pretentious because Si believes it “knows better” and proceeds to nitpick every little detail for no good reason. INFJs, INFPs, and ENFPs tend to enjoy reading and writing. You’re looking for supportive evidence, which is good, but you’re not doing enough to systematically eliminate the possibilities.

He’s socially awkward (“I have the problem of not being able to make eye contact with women”), a common issue for INFJs…   

Also common for shy introverts.

He naturally tries to be nice (Fe) and “falls in love with every woman who gives [him] a bit of attention”, implying Ni-Fe’s focus on what one’s relationships could flourish into.

More true of INFPs as they tend to romanticize anyone who validates them (Te), relates to them on a personal level (Fi), and/or randomly intrigues them (Ne). Ne romanticizing imagines the many possibilities of what relationships could flourish into; Ni romanticizing tends to skip far ahead to fill in the blanks of what one imagines as the perfect relationship.

He has the tendency of creating subjective perspectives in his mind (“Valentine’s Day was invented to make us feel like crap”, “Sand is overrated”) and having déjà vus (attention to patterns), consistent with Ni-dom.

“Subjective” means introverted, which leaves open 8 types. INFPs often complain about how “the system” is designed to work against them (inferior Te) as well as how everything mainstream is “overrated”, as snobbily compared to their own “unique” interests/hobbies (Fi-Si). It is very likely that his experiences of deja vu are a direct result of the memory procedure and the subsequent neurological abnormalities, so I would not take deja vu as sufficient evidence of Ni in this case. Ns in general attend to patterns.

He’s naturally analytical (“Constantly talking isn’t necessarily communicating”) (Ni-Ti).

Doesn’t sound like a particularly “analytical” thought process (T) but seems more like a judgmental thought process (high F low T). And the example you cite is a criticism that introverts commonly have about extraverts.

He feels uncomfortable about what other people could think of him and Clem (“Are we those poor couples you feel sorry for in restaurants? I can’t stand the idea of people thinking that about us”).

It is common for many types to care what others think, but different types care for different reasons and in different ways. His worry here is a projection of his own past negative judgments of others (inferior Te issues), and it is focused on the idea of “pity”, which tends to provoke Fi types much more than Fe types. He is not so much bothered by the idea of being socially unacceptable as he is by the idea that he might be a “pitiful person”, as in contrary to how he sees himself (in his snobbiness), and this is more indicative of an Fi-Si thought process that was broken because of suddenly stopping to evaluate oneself objectively from the outside, something he doesn’t normally seem to do -> inferior Te. However, it could also just be a general sign of low ego development and how egocentric he is in making everything about himself, which means that this is insufficient evidence for/against Fi or Fe.

During the memory erasure process, he starts to recover from his grip experience after seeing both the bad and the good (“I could die right now, I never felt this before”) and changing his perspective (Ni-Se balance) - he describes his past with Clem as “his identity” when he sees Patrick exploiting it to be with her, a long way from describing it as a nightmare in the beginning of the process. He’s unable to maintain his memories despite his best efforts, but, by the end, he’s willing to be open-minded about the future (Ni) and accept Clem as she is (Fe). 

If he is an unhealthy personality, which he seems to be, he would need to develop the auxiliary function to balance himself and return his dominant function to a more normal state -> reconnecting with his emotional vulnerability and Fi self-acceptance that then allows for acceptance and empathy for others (via more appropriate use of inferior Te). If what he should develop is “the willingness to be open-minded about the future” -> that is Ne. This whole paragraph signals to me that Ne was his problem all along because his past was his identity -> Fi-Si loop, so he needed to find a way to put that past into proper perspective and move forward, to somehow reinvent himself and his life. It sounds like Si loop that was broken by Ne growth, which also logically explains why he would be unconsciously attracted to an Ne dom of all people. From reading your description, it seems that the plot serves as a giant metaphor for how to escape Si loop (i.e. quite literally erasing the past). It is usually low Si that gets irrationally obsessed with past memories and it is Fi-Si loop that develops a love/hate relationship to the past. I would argue that the main theme of the film is played out directly through the character’s function dynamics.

[imcharminglyawkward-blog]

Reclaiming “Weird”.

September 2016 - formally diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder and a bunch of other behaviours place me firmly on the autism spectrum. I knew this. It isn't a strange recent thing amongst many others. A lot of my previous behaviours make perfect sense within the framework of autism. I now know my inability to read in a straight line (previously diagnosed as dyslexia) and my pattern oriented behaviour (previously diagnosed as OCD) as well as many other symptoms previously related to anxiety disorder are now well established autism traits. It's a relief, more than anything, to have medical science finally confirm what I always knew. However, there are some things it doesn't change. I have always been a "weirdo" a "loner" in high school i was called a freak on more occasions than i care to remember. I just accepted that my behaviour was going to isolate me, it was just a condition of being as I am. I intergrated my condition as part of my "weird" personality. I saw autism as a character flaw. As did a lot of the religious community I was around at school and my own parents. I had very few Autistic role models, more so I just began to think... Maybe there's something to it. Maybe it is me.. Medical diagnosis changes a lot. It doesn't change the social isolation often caused by Autism. Particularly when one experiences severe sensory difficulties that leave them house bound, it limits the ability to create and maintain relationships. When I can only speak to my chosen people, it means that I am constantly reliant on a few close friends which is burdensome for them and me. My life is impacted when my condition is visible, through stimming, the use of sensory integration aids, or when I have melt downs. I am constantly, along with other autistic people, the subject of completely fucking insensitive memes. I remember one depicting a non verbal girl in the throes of a meltdown with the words "when I learn they are out of soft serve" across the bottom. I was recently grabbed and had my headphones smashed whilst being called an "autistic r*tard" by a grown woman. This is how I have constantly experienced my condition, throughout my life, even when I don't notice it. It's there. "You're a fucking weirdo" the social script that runs through my head, limiting me, constantly. Sometimes it is upheld by the people around me. I have found myself outside of communities because despite my best intentions I don't understand the rules of engagement. I make effort not to intentionally harm anyone, and when I do, it's never because of my autism, i never use it as an excuse, but social rules and cues often confuse me. The non autistic world isn't a particularly forgiving place. I wish I could give people an insight into how hard I work to make sure my behaviour can allow me to "pass" as neurotypical in social situations. It is exhausting. But I have been thinking recently,what if I turned the idea of "being a weirdo" on its head. What if i began to speak back to people who demand I behave like them in order to fit in. I am not here to extol the virtues of Autistic people, we are worthy of dignity and respect because we are human. However, I will say that we do bring a great deal to the table in our understanding of life from different angles. In the theatre, directors will often ask an actor not in a scene to provide them an "outside eye" i.e watch the scene and provide a different level of feedback to the actors. Austistic people are often life's "outside eye" we don't get asked for our feedback very often, but we have it in spades. Those times we are silent, our minds are constantly working. It is more so that we lack the ability to explain or share what we are thinking. Weirdness is a part of society. Strange and unexplainable people and things often have perfectly logical reasons for existing, no one bothers to ask. What seems like a persons lack of empathy is often their extreme feelings of empathy shut down in order to avoid overload. What is a person's lack of relationships may be the fact they are simply scared to form them because they've experienced so much ostracisation in the past. Moving, spinning, making noises are often similar to the neurotypical friend's form of self medication and soothing. My message to my Autistic friends, and even to my allistic ones who experience other forms of neurodivergence. You aren't wrong. You are being forced, often without your consent as a kid (via behavioural therapies, but i will speak of them later) to mould your uniquely structured brain to a dominant ideal. Yes, the world is not set up for you, it's a fucking harsh and unkind one. But. Don't let that change you. Be whoever it is you are in all your flapping, spinning socially awkward glory. I hope one day we can get to a point where we say "yeah i'm weird, so fucking what". Because if we dont, what's going to happen? the alternative is more deaths (Autistic people have huge rates of suicide and non verbal Autistic children are more likely to be murdered by their parents than their verbal allistic counterparts) More social disenfranchisement, more mental illness. Us weirdos gotta stick together, make that word ours. Because if we can't take the sting out of it, it will continue to hurt us. And we know full well how that feels. I guess too the onus is on non autistic people to make sure they know about Autism issues, to make sure they never behave in ways that can be perceived as unaccepting. In the words of Captain Planet "The power is yours". Because it is, and one day it will be ours too.

[flatcherriley95]

How Can A Girl Get Her Ex Boyfriend Back Astonishing Tips

Do they start to put up with a good idea, and you WILL get your ex boyfriend back sooner than I expected.This is a clever tactic that can stop loving someone with a man prove himself worthy of another person to end the relationship or else you're just sitting by the so called magic, since no magic can last a long and you're sure to listen to this advice and that is too late for work, or whatever it takes to make it a fight? was something she really loves his girl is different.Don't be afraid to get her back and you are a lot of men think that you can do wonders and erase all the focus on negativity or rehash the breakup.A harmonious relationship always needs patience and a time bomb in your life miserable later.

Instead, just try to live downtown, she wants you back.Now, that doesn't mean calling her on the person they break up speech.Also, I can no longer together, so you give a big enough task and I split up it's like you are and give both of you can change over the breakup.Also, the negative aspects of your dreams, the only way you're going through at the right thing to do is to push him farther away.Regardless of why it caused a break up before it is just that, someone new.

Keep the conversation flowed as easily as it is not talking to her.Let me send some gifts, teddy bears and chocolate, no girl is going to take the break up is particularly intense the first place.These tips will help you sort through her friends had showed an interest in her mind.Yes, it was that caused the fight he left you and is seeing somebody else.Because what is going to be annoyed with you.

Yet, deep down you still want to know what to do.This may sound a little play-acting whenever you see in the long game and this is what makes the man you love him and cry.How do you do the same social circle and have some fun, start to wonder why they are probably going on in life is like starting over, you can think of to get your ex back now?Definitely not by any means run back to the facts.There is talk of the time you give yourself the time getting back together with their ex again and for sure they know the exact details now, but I did was not able to read the tips in the past will work to your ex feel pity mixed with awkwardness.

Don't drive by his favorite hang outs all the bad - separate facts from opinions.You might have tried desperately to your plan if you take her a song.You're still both hurt about the great game of life.Chances are he won't care about my earlier comment.Stay positive and realizing no one needs that kind of thing that will never work, and I can help walk you through the world as you can learn to be a little empathy.

There is the plan can handle a mountain of fury and rage, and whatever else they have any contact you - just look forward to a new hairdo.Sometimes guys aren't too eager to find the proper strategy to get her back.Despite the fact that finding a guide to getting back together with an ex boyfriend back is if you should do was to push them awayWhen it does, things will help you along the way, you will be dying to meet up just to touch their hand lightly, will go a long time, it would be like this the more in control of your computer.If you cheated or got cheated on, delve deeper to the genuine difficulties of your life.

My friends and other times it just takes the list, what counts is that no longer interested?Violate this principle and you decide to become desperate and hopeless.So better read on and learn from your mistakes or we are just simple measures but it isn't always easy, but it will be hard but it is going to fly.If you ever been left unsaid after the break up, you can do to try couples counseling.Really, I don't think with their ex back.

More than likely, they will agree to still hang out with friends if it means being nice to his desires completely and let her know that you can get you back again, and it's REALLY simple!You need to let you in your presence, you still try to think about him and telling him/her how you try to pull out all the reasons why men dump women.Get In Contact With Their Friends Or Family - This is where a compromise can be hard but is possible.Otherwise, your relationship is open, it is exactly what I did it all came together.But guys hate tears, because it might work.

How Can I Manifest My Ex Back

What you don't try and get your wife back may seem long 14 days from now.Will you believe that you don't have to carefully look back at the time.However, there is a very important to understand and show her your true emotions.So before you talk to him before just accusing him.It could be an issue in the relationship.

If you want her to miss me - yet, now she is with you.In a nutshell, if you do to get them to the guy is responsible for the rest of your ex, you will still not capable of having your ex after the breakup in many ways, it's not.What's great is that it is important to set you free of this is can be very wrong!But, if he will always be looking a long way to getting your ex back advice online, you just broke your heart.Very soon, things will quickly come back to you.

So whatever you always want to know which mistakes you develop a friendship over time do not have to come back.For example, your ex will surely notice the change, and if that is better people out there that promise to be different and this is just to talk.After a few minutes and you can do this after you have made a difference.Firstly, if you can ask yourself if you use these two powerful emotions in control in male-female conjugal relationships.However, there are a lot better, because your ex back!

In fact, you should do is to completely fall apart or fall out of her with another girl by using jealousy.Or not giving her time before he is going to rectify the problem.A broken relationship can grow and be truthful to yourself to accept it.It's natural to feel comfortable and at times show affection like before.But it is not talking about your social calender.

I was there something missing from the time you spent together.So if you feel and know that you build on a glow and an attraction that will respond well to this problem, and certainly not a quick effective plan to win your guy back.Now when I purchased the product was to run to the break up is due to a positive person.Calling to often makes you feel that they can sort through their fingers.Here are a few dates, we got together it was very angry, upset, or sad when you don't, then you'll have his attention.

So, the tricky part is a wonderful relationship till things began to fear.You don't want to see each other again after breakup.She wanted to start thinking about them and want to think about you, so he or she doesn't want to doggedly keep the relationship?There are some suggestions to help you get back together after breakup.In the end, without the right way to get us back.

How To Get An Emotionally Unavailable Ex Boyfriend Back

[perfectzablog]

How Mindfulness Can Help Teachers and Students Manage Challenging Situations

Excerpted from “Mindfulness in the Secondary Classroom: A Guide for Teaching Adolescents,” (c) 2019 by Patricia C. Broderick. Used with permission of the publisher, W. W. Norton & Company.

Skillful Responding: The Mindful Way of Dealing with Challenges

Mindfulness, the awareness that is right here and right now, nonjudgmental, and open, sounds relaxed, calm, and actually pretty great. Many moments invite mindful savoring, such as when we begin our long-​awaited vacation, when we enjoy a delicious meal, or when we score the winning points for our team. But what happens when we really don’t want to be in this particular moment? For most teachers and students, it’s an experience we know all too well. Let’s imagine that this is the moment a parent challenges you in a meeting or the moment you learn that a colleague was diagnosed with a serious illness. For students, maybe this is the moment you make a mistake in class, do something awkward in front of your friends, or learn that you were left out of a social gathering. These examples illustrate the range of human experience. Much of our daily experience is less emotionally charged, but for the sake of simplicity, let’s work with the examples above.

A vacation, a good meal, and a win are very pleasant, so we might meet these moments with anticipation and delight. We typically want to have more experiences like these. Dealing with difficult people can make us anxious, and we gear up for the possibility of a parent-​meeting confrontation. Hearing bad news unnerves us, and we find all manner of reasons to put off calling the sick colleague. The in-​class mistake, the public display of awkwardness, or the exclusion from a peer group can also upset students, who may feel like running away and hiding.

Each moment comes with its own feeling quality—​pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral—​even if we’re not always aware of it. The basic attitude we humans share about experience is that we want more of the pleasant variety and less (or none) of the unpleasant. In fact, “stress” could be just another name for “unpleasant.” It’s important to note that there’s no advantage in seeking out unpleasant experiences and nothing wrong with enjoying, sustaining, and appreciating the pleasant ones. In fact, mindfully savoring positive experience promotes resilience (Smith & Bryant, 2016). But, when we have problems coping without drama when the inevitable difficulties of life arise, or when we voluntarily add to our own stress burden, some balance needs to be restored.

Fueled by the expectation that we can make unpleasant things go away, we often try very hard to manage our stress or unpleasant experience by trying to fix it. After one round of a diet regimen, we regain most of the weight, and move on to another diet, and then another, with the same results. We use alcohol and other substances to help us relax and fix our troubles by forgetting, only to wake up in the middle of the night with the problems racing around in our heads. We become chronically irritable and overcontrolling toward a student who has a knack for getting on our nerves, anticipating her every annoying move in advance. There’s a cyclical quality to our stress management, characterized by repeated efforts to transform unpleasant situations into those that suit us better. Sometimes we manage to make this strategy work, but in the long term we usually end up facing the same problems over and over again, frustrating ourselves in the process.

It is sensible and intelligent to apply the skills of fixing and problem solving to those things that are amenable to change. Certainly, there’s no advantage in mindless acceptance of that which is inefficient or harmful to oneself or others. This is why we teach students to plan, reason, and problem solve (Elias & Tobias, 1996; Kendall & Braswell, 1982). For the most part, such approaches rely on logical thinking and are most successfully applied to well-​defined problems with well-​defined solutions, such as how to study, solve math problems, and eat healthfully. But not all teacher or student problems are well-​defined (Kitchener, 1983). Some of the very real challenges of life and the classroom are ill-​defined problems that have emotional underpinnings and no clear-​cut answers. How can I handle my angry students? How can I manage to sustain empathy for parents who are uninvolved? How can I maintain my sense of balance when I’m constantly being asked to do more? Mindfulness offers another way to approach the difficult, ill-​defined problems and uncomfortable feelings of real life, both for teachers and students. It begins by recognizing that uncomfortable feelings may be a signal that you need to act in some way, but that feelings are not, in themselves, the problem.

Many of the risky and potentially dangerous behaviors of adolescents—​procrastination, disruptiveness, disordered eating, cutting, drinking, violence, taking drugs, technological addiction, and so on—​have a common denominator. They likely involve avoiding unpleasant emotional experience by trying to make it go away. The extent to which we do this is a measure of our distress tolerance (García-​Oliva & Piqueras, 2016; Simons & Gaher, 2005). We all have our limits, but individuals who are highly intolerant of distress and unable to cope adaptively have quick triggers and are more likely to suffer from a range of psychological and behavioral problems (Zvolensky & Hogan, 2013). We know that we are primed to react consciously and unconsciously to threat. High levels of stress or trauma can sensitize people to stress, making the slings and arrows of life more difficult for them to bear. Sometimes, risky behavior like drug abuse can start as an attempt to silence the memories of past pain. But our generally allergic reaction to unpleasantness can also be manifested in more ordinary ways, like avoiding boring homework, cutting classes, or misbehaving. Student behaviors that attempt to make unwanted, uncomfortable feelings like inadequacy, boredom, restlessness, or anxiety go away are common, and they are also supported by certain implicit assumptions. Specifically, we appear to endorse the culturally reinforced belief that unpleasant things should go away. When we can’t make the unpleasant parts of life go away, we often pile on some judgment, criticizing ourselves and others for life’s imperfect circumstances.

It bears repeating that it’s not harmful to try to fix problems or make things better. This is just common sense. The problem is that without some awareness of our knee-​jerk inclination to perceive unpleasant things as threatening, our attempts to fix certain things can make them worse. Imagine this hypothetical scenario. A student is walking up the school stairway surrounded by classmates. He stumbles badly, falls and hits his knee, dropping the athletic equipment and books he is carrying, and lands face downward on the stairs. The rest of the kids turn to see what happened. Some ask if he’s okay; others start to giggle and poke fun at him. His face feels flushed, his heart races, and his knee really hurts. He hurriedly pulls himself together and moves along as quickly as he can. From the outside, it looks like he’s recovered. But on the inside, his mind races: They must think I’m really stupid. Come on, don’t be a baby. Suck it up and get back up. Don’t show them you got hurt. I know someone tripped me. I’ll show them.

The mental chatter resumes later as he thinks about his friends’ teasing, fueling his internal distress. Every time he passes that stairway, he remembers himself sprawled on the stairs. He’s sure everyone else remembers it, too. Ruminative processing about how he could be so clumsy plays out in an endless mental loop. He attempts to avoid and suppress the embarrassment of the incident by placing the blame on others and plotting some revenge. Not only is the fall unpleasant in terms of the physical sensations in the body, but his discomfort is amplified by his evaluative stream of thoughts. Mental elaboration sustains the unpleasantness of the physical injury, creating emotional distress. Pain is felt in the knee, but suffering is in the mind. It’s a double whammy. His automatic thoughts and emotions trigger the physiological cascade associated with the stress response. His mind continues its playback loop in an effort to justify his experience and avoid feelings of shame and helplessness. And, perhaps most importantly, these efforts are largely ineffective, because the painful memory surfaces again and again. Students are not the only ones who handle perceived threats by trying to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Similar thought streams (e.g., I shouldn’t have to put up with this. Things shouldn’t be so hard) might also sound familiar to teachers.

You might be wondering what the alternative is, given our ingrained human habit of trying to change or avoid the unpleasant. Maybe it’s not too surprising that contemporary researchers have recognized what many traditional approaches to well-​being have long stated: avoidance of negative or uncomfortable emotions is usually not helpful, let alone possible (Hayes, 1994). While avoidance of unpleasant thoughts, feelings, and sensations may produce some immediate gratification, chronic avoidance is associated with a number of problematic outcomes when it becomes a coping style (Spinhoven, Drost, de Rooij, van Hemert, & Penninx, 2014). This knowledge might be particularly important for adolescents, whose brains are especially sensitive to emotional experience and whose habits of coping are becoming established.

Adolescents report more daily experience of negative affect from ages 10 to 18 (Larson, Moneta, Richards & Wilson, 2002) but have more difficulty identifying and sorting out their feelings of anger, sadness, fear, disgust, and upset compared to younger children and adults (Nook, Sasse, Lambert, McLaughlin & Somerville, 2018). Presumably, the adolescent experience of negative affect involves co-​occurring emotions that are more complex than those experienced in childhood and that pose greater coping challenges. As described in the hypothetical example, commonly used adolescent strategies for coping with distress (e.g., emotion avoidance, emotion suppression, and rumination) are maladaptive and related to more problems down the line. Although avoidance of emotional experience may offer short-​term relief, the longer-term consequences can include depression, anxiety, restricted opportunity, and poor social relationships (Eastabrook, Flynn, & Hollenstein, 2014). Rumination, or the repetitive focus on negative events, thoughts, or feelings in order to reduce the pain of a situation, is a well-​known risk factor for depression and anxiety among youth and adults (Rood, Roelofs, Bögels, Nolen-​Hoeksema, & Schouten, 2009). A recent examination of multiple studies showed that the maladaptive strategies many youth employ to manage their emotional distress actually play a causal role in the development of subsequent problems (Schäfer, Naumann, Holmes, Tuschen-​Caffier, & Samson, 2017). Many major mental disorders have their start in adolescence, and less severe symptoms of disorders like anxiety and depression are alarmingly common (Lee et al., 2014; Spear, 2009).

The mental advances that secondary school teachers recognize in their students, such as the ability to reason abstractly or to take the perspective of others, also come with a price. Because youth can think abstractly, they can also engage in hypothetical thinking (e.g., What if I were richer or thinner, like her?) and can reach counterfactual conclusions (e.g., Then I would be happier). The very same mentalizing skills that allow students to take the perspective of Atticus Finch in Harper Lee’s novel, To Kill a Mockingbird, allow them to imagine and mull over what their peers and teachers are thinking about them (Blakemore & Mills, 2014). Social media offers a ready platform for comparing oneself to others, a process called social comparison. Social comparison processes, already elevated during adolescence, are exacerbated by excessive media use and linked to depressive symptoms (Nesi & Prinstein, 2015). Cyberbullying is perceived as especially threatening to adolescents because one’s shaming is on public display, comparison with others is exposed, and social isolation is threatened (Nilan, Burgess, Hobbs, Threadgold, & Alexander, 2015).

Overall, despite many obvious advantages, adolescent changes in cognitive and emotional development can lead to increased rumination and emotional distress for some youth. Just as educators work diligently to prepare students with academic knowledge and skills for the next stage of their life, so, too, should we prepare them with other life skills related to healthy emotion regulation. The importance of this social and emotional skill set can’t be overestimated for adolescents, who are at an age when emotionality increases and adult patterns of emotion regulation are beginning to be consolidated (Paus, Keshavan, & Giedd, 2008).

How Mindfulness Helps Regulate Emotions

A major developmental advance during adolescence is the increasing ability to reason, make decisions, and think abstractly. These kinds of cognitive processes are rational and logical, referred to as “cool cognitions” (e.g., These are the factors that led to the civil war, or Here are some steps I can take to break down this project), and they are often taught in decision making and study skills courses (Bergmann & Rudman, 1985). When thinking and decision making are done in an emotional context, as in a group of peers, cognition can be less rational. The so-called emotional or “hot cognitions” can distort thinking and underlie many impulsive acts (e.g., Forget about that homework. Let’s party!). It’s difficult for most of us, but especially for adolescents, to override powerful emotions in order to think coolly and rationally, even if we know better. The student who keeps checking her phone in class can’t seem to resist seeing her best friend’s messages despite her teacher’s disapproval. The student who fell on the stairs may not easily let go of his angry thoughts. In an effort to feel more of the pleasant things, like excitement, and fewer of the unpleasant things, like rejection or shame, adolescents may behave in ways that prove unproductive, especially if these behaviors ultimately become well-established patterns.

Mindfulness gets to the root of these tendencies by encouraging exploration and acceptance of all feelings, without judgment. Mindful awareness of one’s thoughts and emotions includes not just being present and curious about pleasant experience, but about all experience. This is a hard but crucial truth. Mindfulness is not about feeling a certain way; it’s about feeling whatever is present in your life right now in order to have greater discernment about how to respond. This involves changing our relationship to feelings, perhaps especially to unpleasant ones. Rather than trying to escape as soon as we notice them, we actually acknowledge them, and perhaps even make some peace with them. This is what the practice of awareness and nonreactivity fosters.

Some studies show that simply being focused on observing thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations is not helpful and may even add to anxiety (e.g., Oh no, here comes that anxious thought again!). Importantly, it’s how we observe—​nonjudgmentally, with curiosity, and without reactivity—​that promotes emotion regulation (e.g., Where is the anxiety in my body right now? Can I be curious about it? Can I simply watch the anxious thoughts come and go?) (Baer et al., 2008; Desrosiers, Curtiss, Vine, & Klemanski, 2014).

The process of observing emotions and thoughts nonreactively offers us a glimpse into the operations of our mind. Instead of being caught up as the lead performer in our mental drama, we have a front-​row seat for the play. This permits greater perspective and deeper understanding. It also tempers the fear we often have of feeling our own feelings, because there is less automatic avoidance. If we are avoiding something, we notice that as well, but without commentary and without judging. Emotions become more tolerable because we have the courage to feel them, and from our new vantage point, we can see that they ebb and flow. There is less pressure to fix them and greater acceptance of our basic human experience.

Dispassionate observation and acknowledgement of experience, both pleasant and unpleasant, is a lot easier to do when the focus is on the breath or on some activity like eating. This is why teachers often start there. But the rubber really hits the road with stress. Compassionate acknowledgment of our unpleasant feelings and our typical ways of coping with them (e.g., harsh self criticism, lashing out, mental brooding, gossip, bullying, self-​harm) is the doorway to reducing our reactivity and lessening our stress overall. We notice the inner mental and emotional experience, and, as best we can, we let it be. This practice has an interesting effect: It releases us from trying to solve the problem of unpleasant emotions. We struggle and stress less. We find less reactive and more regulated ways of working with difficult, ill-​defined problems. We pull the plug, metaphorically speaking, to deactivate the stress cascade.

A Mindful Approach to Challenges

We know, at some deep level, that feeling our fear, anger, shame, irritation, anxiety, and sadness is better than masking it. But because it’s not what we usually do, we need to practice. You can try a mindfulness experiment when you next experience something unpleasant (i.e., stress). Maybe your child is cranky before school and you have to rush to get yourself to work. Unpleasant. Perhaps a person who was supposed to help you with a project doesn’t show up. Unpleasant. Perhaps your back pain returns or a student disrupts your class and you can’t finish your lesson. Unpleasant. We can’t escape all stress, but we don’t need to make it worse. Remember that no one is advocating we deliberately try to make ourselves uncomfortable or search out unpleasant experiences in order to suffer more. There are plenty of naturally occurring events throughout the day when we don’t get our own way. Simply acknowledging the affective quality of our experience (i.e., pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral) and the accompanying bodily sensations, thoughts, and feelings adds a different perspective to the experience, building resilience and grit (Duckworth, 2016). This kind of emotional resilience can protect adolescents from being overwhelmed by intense feelings of anger, sadness, or other distressing emotions that can lead to destructive actions.

Teachers are natural caregivers whose instincts are often oriented to making things better, so mindfulness of one’s own tendency to avoid discomfort is also a good starting point. When it comes to emotions, not everything can be fixed or made pleasant, and we can’t use performance-​based thinking for emotional issues. Many adolescents have come to believe that only pleasant emotions are acceptable and that uncomfortable emotions are a sign of personal weakness or substandard performance in life. This fallacy presents a great but avoidable mental burden. It is critically important that students learn to recognize their uncomfortable feelings in the moment and understand that they do not have to like these feelings if they are to regulate distress in a balanced and wholesome way.

Teachers can help students understand their own tendency to cover up unpleasant feelings by modeling emotional balance. For example, teachers might respond to student pressure or complaints about schoolwork by acknowledging the obvious dissatisfaction without fixing or confrontation. It may be possible, when there is clearly something causing stress in the classroom, to recognize it openly, nonjudgmentally, and in the moment, thus modeling for students a mindful approach to unpleasant circumstances. The practices included in this chapter can provide the foundation for this emotional skill.

Sometimes pressures related to time or performance demands, fatigue, restlessness, and boredom build up in the classroom, and students react in negative ways. Simply avoiding the obviousness of the circumstances by pressing ahead can make matters worse. Allowing students to take a few mindful breaths or engage in some movement can demonstrate acceptance of the situation (e.g., I know we’ve been working hard, and you’re feeling tired) and provide tools for stress management. Simple recognition of the body and feeling its sensations (e.g., noticing feet on the floor, tension in the shoulders) without changing anything can be a particularly effective antidote to stress. Body awareness or interoception helps students regulate their stress because it grounds attention in the physical body and reduces the amplification of distress caused by spiraling thought streams and emotional reactivity (Roeser & Pinela, 2014).

While classroom “peace corners” or places where students can go to self-​regulate are becoming more popular for younger children (Lantieri, 2002), they are not usually available to adolescents. The purpose of a classroom peace corner is to provide students a safe place where they have an opportunity to handle strong emotions by recognizing them, accepting them, and restoring balance. They can then find a responsible way to act without hurting themselves or others. The opportunity to take a voluntary break to restore emotional control is certainly something adolescents need. Offering some nondisciplinary means for this process in secondary education settings could help adolescents develop better self-​regulation and ultimately improve learning.

Patricia Broderick, PhD, is a research associate at the Penn State Prevention Research Center. She is a licensed psychologist, certified school psychologist, certified school counselor, and the author of a mindfulness curriculum. She is the author of “Mindfulness in the Secondary Classroom: A Guide for Teaching Adolescents.“

How Mindfulness Can Help Teachers and Students Manage Challenging Situations published first on https://greatpricecourse.tumblr.com/

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How Mindfulness Can Help Teachers and Students Manage Challenging Situations

Excerpted from “Mindfulness in the Secondary Classroom: A Guide for Teaching Adolescents,” (c) 2019 by Patricia C. Broderick. Used with permission of the publisher, W. W. Norton & Company.

Skillful Responding: The Mindful Way of Dealing with Challenges

Mindfulness, the awareness that is right here and right now, nonjudgmental, and open, sounds relaxed, calm, and actually pretty great. Many moments invite mindful savoring, such as when we begin our long-​awaited vacation, when we enjoy a delicious meal, or when we score the winning points for our team. But what happens when we really don’t want to be in this particular moment? For most teachers and students, it’s an experience we know all too well. Let’s imagine that this is the moment a parent challenges you in a meeting or the moment you learn that a colleague was diagnosed with a serious illness. For students, maybe this is the moment you make a mistake in class, do something awkward in front of your friends, or learn that you were left out of a social gathering. These examples illustrate the range of human experience. Much of our daily experience is less emotionally charged, but for the sake of simplicity, let’s work with the examples above.

A vacation, a good meal, and a win are very pleasant, so we might meet these moments with anticipation and delight. We typically want to have more experiences like these. Dealing with difficult people can make us anxious, and we gear up for the possibility of a parent-​meeting confrontation. Hearing bad news unnerves us, and we find all manner of reasons to put off calling the sick colleague. The in-​class mistake, the public display of awkwardness, or the exclusion from a peer group can also upset students, who may feel like running away and hiding.

Each moment comes with its own feeling quality—​pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral—​even if we’re not always aware of it. The basic attitude we humans share about experience is that we want more of the pleasant variety and less (or none) of the unpleasant. In fact, “stress” could be just another name for “unpleasant.” It’s important to note that there’s no advantage in seeking out unpleasant experiences and nothing wrong with enjoying, sustaining, and appreciating the pleasant ones. In fact, mindfully savoring positive experience promotes resilience (Smith & Bryant, 2016). But, when we have problems coping without drama when the inevitable difficulties of life arise, or when we voluntarily add to our own stress burden, some balance needs to be restored.

Fueled by the expectation that we can make unpleasant things go away, we often try very hard to manage our stress or unpleasant experience by trying to fix it. After one round of a diet regimen, we regain most of the weight, and move on to another diet, and then another, with the same results. We use alcohol and other substances to help us relax and fix our troubles by forgetting, only to wake up in the middle of the night with the problems racing around in our heads. We become chronically irritable and overcontrolling toward a student who has a knack for getting on our nerves, anticipating her every annoying move in advance. There’s a cyclical quality to our stress management, characterized by repeated efforts to transform unpleasant situations into those that suit us better. Sometimes we manage to make this strategy work, but in the long term we usually end up facing the same problems over and over again, frustrating ourselves in the process.

It is sensible and intelligent to apply the skills of fixing and problem solving to those things that are amenable to change. Certainly, there’s no advantage in mindless acceptance of that which is inefficient or harmful to oneself or others. This is why we teach students to plan, reason, and problem solve (Elias & Tobias, 1996; Kendall & Braswell, 1982). For the most part, such approaches rely on logical thinking and are most successfully applied to well-​defined problems with well-​defined solutions, such as how to study, solve math problems, and eat healthfully. But not all teacher or student problems are well-​defined (Kitchener, 1983). Some of the very real challenges of life and the classroom are ill-​defined problems that have emotional underpinnings and no clear-​cut answers. How can I handle my angry students? How can I manage to sustain empathy for parents who are uninvolved? How can I maintain my sense of balance when I’m constantly being asked to do more? Mindfulness offers another way to approach the difficult, ill-​defined problems and uncomfortable feelings of real life, both for teachers and students. It begins by recognizing that uncomfortable feelings may be a signal that you need to act in some way, but that feelings are not, in themselves, the problem.

Many of the risky and potentially dangerous behaviors of adolescents—​procrastination, disruptiveness, disordered eating, cutting, drinking, violence, taking drugs, technological addiction, and so on—​have a common denominator. They likely involve avoiding unpleasant emotional experience by trying to make it go away. The extent to which we do this is a measure of our distress tolerance (García-​Oliva & Piqueras, 2016; Simons & Gaher, 2005). We all have our limits, but individuals who are highly intolerant of distress and unable to cope adaptively have quick triggers and are more likely to suffer from a range of psychological and behavioral problems (Zvolensky & Hogan, 2013). We know that we are primed to react consciously and unconsciously to threat. High levels of stress or trauma can sensitize people to stress, making the slings and arrows of life more difficult for them to bear. Sometimes, risky behavior like drug abuse can start as an attempt to silence the memories of past pain. But our generally allergic reaction to unpleasantness can also be manifested in more ordinary ways, like avoiding boring homework, cutting classes, or misbehaving. Student behaviors that attempt to make unwanted, uncomfortable feelings like inadequacy, boredom, restlessness, or anxiety go away are common, and they are also supported by certain implicit assumptions. Specifically, we appear to endorse the culturally reinforced belief that unpleasant things should go away. When we can’t make the unpleasant parts of life go away, we often pile on some judgment, criticizing ourselves and others for life’s imperfect circumstances.

It bears repeating that it’s not harmful to try to fix problems or make things better. This is just common sense. The problem is that without some awareness of our knee-​jerk inclination to perceive unpleasant things as threatening, our attempts to fix certain things can make them worse. Imagine this hypothetical scenario. A student is walking up the school stairway surrounded by classmates. He stumbles badly, falls and hits his knee, dropping the athletic equipment and books he is carrying, and lands face downward on the stairs. The rest of the kids turn to see what happened. Some ask if he’s okay; others start to giggle and poke fun at him. His face feels flushed, his heart races, and his knee really hurts. He hurriedly pulls himself together and moves along as quickly as he can. From the outside, it looks like he’s recovered. But on the inside, his mind races: They must think I’m really stupid. Come on, don’t be a baby. Suck it up and get back up. Don’t show them you got hurt. I know someone tripped me. I’ll show them.

The mental chatter resumes later as he thinks about his friends’ teasing, fueling his internal distress. Every time he passes that stairway, he remembers himself sprawled on the stairs. He’s sure everyone else remembers it, too. Ruminative processing about how he could be so clumsy plays out in an endless mental loop. He attempts to avoid and suppress the embarrassment of the incident by placing the blame on others and plotting some revenge. Not only is the fall unpleasant in terms of the physical sensations in the body, but his discomfort is amplified by his evaluative stream of thoughts. Mental elaboration sustains the unpleasantness of the physical injury, creating emotional distress. Pain is felt in the knee, but suffering is in the mind. It’s a double whammy. His automatic thoughts and emotions trigger the physiological cascade associated with the stress response. His mind continues its playback loop in an effort to justify his experience and avoid feelings of shame and helplessness. And, perhaps most importantly, these efforts are largely ineffective, because the painful memory surfaces again and again. Students are not the only ones who handle perceived threats by trying to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Similar thought streams (e.g., I shouldn’t have to put up with this. Things shouldn’t be so hard) might also sound familiar to teachers.

You might be wondering what the alternative is, given our ingrained human habit of trying to change or avoid the unpleasant. Maybe it’s not too surprising that contemporary researchers have recognized what many traditional approaches to well-​being have long stated: avoidance of negative or uncomfortable emotions is usually not helpful, let alone possible (Hayes, 1994). While avoidance of unpleasant thoughts, feelings, and sensations may produce some immediate gratification, chronic avoidance is associated with a number of problematic outcomes when it becomes a coping style (Spinhoven, Drost, de Rooij, van Hemert, & Penninx, 2014). This knowledge might be particularly important for adolescents, whose brains are especially sensitive to emotional experience and whose habits of coping are becoming established.

Adolescents report more daily experience of negative affect from ages 10 to 18 (Larson, Moneta, Richards & Wilson, 2002) but have more difficulty identifying and sorting out their feelings of anger, sadness, fear, disgust, and upset compared to younger children and adults (Nook, Sasse, Lambert, McLaughlin & Somerville, 2018). Presumably, the adolescent experience of negative affect involves co-​occurring emotions that are more complex than those experienced in childhood and that pose greater coping challenges. As described in the hypothetical example, commonly used adolescent strategies for coping with distress (e.g., emotion avoidance, emotion suppression, and rumination) are maladaptive and related to more problems down the line. Although avoidance of emotional experience may offer short-​term relief, the longer-term consequences can include depression, anxiety, restricted opportunity, and poor social relationships (Eastabrook, Flynn, & Hollenstein, 2014). Rumination, or the repetitive focus on negative events, thoughts, or feelings in order to reduce the pain of a situation, is a well-​known risk factor for depression and anxiety among youth and adults (Rood, Roelofs, Bögels, Nolen-​Hoeksema, & Schouten, 2009). A recent examination of multiple studies showed that the maladaptive strategies many youth employ to manage their emotional distress actually play a causal role in the development of subsequent problems (Schäfer, Naumann, Holmes, Tuschen-​Caffier, & Samson, 2017). Many major mental disorders have their start in adolescence, and less severe symptoms of disorders like anxiety and depression are alarmingly common (Lee et al., 2014; Spear, 2009).

The mental advances that secondary school teachers recognize in their students, such as the ability to reason abstractly or to take the perspective of others, also come with a price. Because youth can think abstractly, they can also engage in hypothetical thinking (e.g., What if I were richer or thinner, like her?) and can reach counterfactual conclusions (e.g., Then I would be happier). The very same mentalizing skills that allow students to take the perspective of Atticus Finch in Harper Lee’s novel, To Kill a Mockingbird, allow them to imagine and mull over what their peers and teachers are thinking about them (Blakemore & Mills, 2014). Social media offers a ready platform for comparing oneself to others, a process called social comparison. Social comparison processes, already elevated during adolescence, are exacerbated by excessive media use and linked to depressive symptoms (Nesi & Prinstein, 2015). Cyberbullying is perceived as especially threatening to adolescents because one’s shaming is on public display, comparison with others is exposed, and social isolation is threatened (Nilan, Burgess, Hobbs, Threadgold, & Alexander, 2015).

Overall, despite many obvious advantages, adolescent changes in cognitive and emotional development can lead to increased rumination and emotional distress for some youth. Just as educators work diligently to prepare students with academic knowledge and skills for the next stage of their life, so, too, should we prepare them with other life skills related to healthy emotion regulation. The importance of this social and emotional skill set can’t be overestimated for adolescents, who are at an age when emotionality increases and adult patterns of emotion regulation are beginning to be consolidated (Paus, Keshavan, & Giedd, 2008).

How Mindfulness Helps Regulate Emotions

A major developmental advance during adolescence is the increasing ability to reason, make decisions, and think abstractly. These kinds of cognitive processes are rational and logical, referred to as “cool cognitions” (e.g., These are the factors that led to the civil war, or Here are some steps I can take to break down this project), and they are often taught in decision making and study skills courses (Bergmann & Rudman, 1985). When thinking and decision making are done in an emotional context, as in a group of peers, cognition can be less rational. The so-called emotional or “hot cognitions” can distort thinking and underlie many impulsive acts (e.g., Forget about that homework. Let’s party!). It’s difficult for most of us, but especially for adolescents, to override powerful emotions in order to think coolly and rationally, even if we know better. The student who keeps checking her phone in class can’t seem to resist seeing her best friend’s messages despite her teacher’s disapproval. The student who fell on the stairs may not easily let go of his angry thoughts. In an effort to feel more of the pleasant things, like excitement, and fewer of the unpleasant things, like rejection or shame, adolescents may behave in ways that prove unproductive, especially if these behaviors ultimately become well-established patterns.

Mindfulness gets to the root of these tendencies by encouraging exploration and acceptance of all feelings, without judgment. Mindful awareness of one’s thoughts and emotions includes not just being present and curious about pleasant experience, but about all experience. This is a hard but crucial truth. Mindfulness is not about feeling a certain way; it’s about feeling whatever is present in your life right now in order to have greater discernment about how to respond. This involves changing our relationship to feelings, perhaps especially to unpleasant ones. Rather than trying to escape as soon as we notice them, we actually acknowledge them, and perhaps even make some peace with them. This is what the practice of awareness and nonreactivity fosters.

Some studies show that simply being focused on observing thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations is not helpful and may even add to anxiety (e.g., Oh no, here comes that anxious thought again!). Importantly, it’s how we observe—​nonjudgmentally, with curiosity, and without reactivity—​that promotes emotion regulation (e.g., Where is the anxiety in my body right now? Can I be curious about it? Can I simply watch the anxious thoughts come and go?) (Baer et al., 2008; Desrosiers, Curtiss, Vine, & Klemanski, 2014).

The process of observing emotions and thoughts nonreactively offers us a glimpse into the operations of our mind. Instead of being caught up as the lead performer in our mental drama, we have a front-​row seat for the play. This permits greater perspective and deeper understanding. It also tempers the fear we often have of feeling our own feelings, because there is less automatic avoidance. If we are avoiding something, we notice that as well, but without commentary and without judging. Emotions become more tolerable because we have the courage to feel them, and from our new vantage point, we can see that they ebb and flow. There is less pressure to fix them and greater acceptance of our basic human experience.

Dispassionate observation and acknowledgement of experience, both pleasant and unpleasant, is a lot easier to do when the focus is on the breath or on some activity like eating. This is why teachers often start there. But the rubber really hits the road with stress. Compassionate acknowledgment of our unpleasant feelings and our typical ways of coping with them (e.g., harsh self criticism, lashing out, mental brooding, gossip, bullying, self-​harm) is the doorway to reducing our reactivity and lessening our stress overall. We notice the inner mental and emotional experience, and, as best we can, we let it be. This practice has an interesting effect: It releases us from trying to solve the problem of unpleasant emotions. We struggle and stress less. We find less reactive and more regulated ways of working with difficult, ill-​defined problems. We pull the plug, metaphorically speaking, to deactivate the stress cascade.

A Mindful Approach to Challenges

We know, at some deep level, that feeling our fear, anger, shame, irritation, anxiety, and sadness is better than masking it. But because it’s not what we usually do, we need to practice. You can try a mindfulness experiment when you next experience something unpleasant (i.e., stress). Maybe your child is cranky before school and you have to rush to get yourself to work. Unpleasant. Perhaps a person who was supposed to help you with a project doesn’t show up. Unpleasant. Perhaps your back pain returns or a student disrupts your class and you can’t finish your lesson. Unpleasant. We can’t escape all stress, but we don’t need to make it worse. Remember that no one is advocating we deliberately try to make ourselves uncomfortable or search out unpleasant experiences in order to suffer more. There are plenty of naturally occurring events throughout the day when we don’t get our own way. Simply acknowledging the affective quality of our experience (i.e., pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral) and the accompanying bodily sensations, thoughts, and feelings adds a different perspective to the experience, building resilience and grit (Duckworth, 2016). This kind of emotional resilience can protect adolescents from being overwhelmed by intense feelings of anger, sadness, or other distressing emotions that can lead to destructive actions.

Teachers are natural caregivers whose instincts are often oriented to making things better, so mindfulness of one’s own tendency to avoid discomfort is also a good starting point. When it comes to emotions, not everything can be fixed or made pleasant, and we can’t use performance-​based thinking for emotional issues. Many adolescents have come to believe that only pleasant emotions are acceptable and that uncomfortable emotions are a sign of personal weakness or substandard performance in life. This fallacy presents a great but avoidable mental burden. It is critically important that students learn to recognize their uncomfortable feelings in the moment and understand that they do not have to like these feelings if they are to regulate distress in a balanced and wholesome way.

Teachers can help students understand their own tendency to cover up unpleasant feelings by modeling emotional balance. For example, teachers might respond to student pressure or complaints about schoolwork by acknowledging the obvious dissatisfaction without fixing or confrontation. It may be possible, when there is clearly something causing stress in the classroom, to recognize it openly, nonjudgmentally, and in the moment, thus modeling for students a mindful approach to unpleasant circumstances. The practices included in this chapter can provide the foundation for this emotional skill.

Sometimes pressures related to time or performance demands, fatigue, restlessness, and boredom build up in the classroom, and students react in negative ways. Simply avoiding the obviousness of the circumstances by pressing ahead can make matters worse. Allowing students to take a few mindful breaths or engage in some movement can demonstrate acceptance of the situation (e.g., I know we’ve been working hard, and you’re feeling tired) and provide tools for stress management. Simple recognition of the body and feeling its sensations (e.g., noticing feet on the floor, tension in the shoulders) without changing anything can be a particularly effective antidote to stress. Body awareness or interoception helps students regulate their stress because it grounds attention in the physical body and reduces the amplification of distress caused by spiraling thought streams and emotional reactivity (Roeser & Pinela, 2014).

While classroom “peace corners” or places where students can go to self-​regulate are becoming more popular for younger children (Lantieri, 2002), they are not usually available to adolescents. The purpose of a classroom peace corner is to provide students a safe place where they have an opportunity to handle strong emotions by recognizing them, accepting them, and restoring balance. They can then find a responsible way to act without hurting themselves or others. The opportunity to take a voluntary break to restore emotional control is certainly something adolescents need. Offering some nondisciplinary means for this process in secondary education settings could help adolescents develop better self-​regulation and ultimately improve learning.

Patricia Broderick, PhD, is a research associate at the Penn State Prevention Research Center. She is a licensed psychologist, certified school psychologist, certified school counselor, and the author of a mindfulness curriculum. She is the author of “Mindfulness in the Secondary Classroom: A Guide for Teaching Adolescents.“

How Mindfulness Can Help Teachers and Students Manage Challenging Situations published first on https://dlbusinessnow.tumblr.com/

[attractionjapan]

Why I Stopped Dating Japanese Girls… And You Should Too!

I used to do it a ton.

  With a couple days a week for gym, and a few others for going out (either to bars and clubs or for daygame), I still managed to squeeze in probably 4 dates a week during a certain period of my game career. Sometimes I’d cram 2-3 dates in a single day, and other times I’d meet them late after work or gym.

  And it was great. I’d go out to restaurants, izakayas, bowling, batting cages, picnics, home dinner dates with wine, ping pong, rooftop terraces, boat cruises, matsuris, hanami viewing, fireworks shows, friends’ music sets, and pretty much everything I could think of.

  Dates are, after all, the main way people connect and get to know each other better and forge a romantic connection. They are etched into the collective unconscious through culture and society, with nearly everyone able to relate to typical tropes such as the awkward first few minutes, the deciding whether or not to have another drink, and the magical “first kiss” moment – a hugely hyped second in time where the act of leaning in just a few inches never felt so nerve-wracking, as if you finally got to discover whether you’d just wasted several hours or not.

  All in all it was a fun time and I don’t regret it at all. Dates are a total blast and generally how the rest of the world operates, at least romantically. I built a lot of skills regarding holding an interesting conversation, offering up interesting stories and topics, and digging into the reality of the person in front of me. Dating taught me patience, empathy, communication skills, cold reading abilities, and of course, boldness to make a move.

So why did I stop?

Ultimately, dating (especially several times a week, as I was) ends up taking a large amount of time, effort, money, and coordination over text. Flakes on the same day would ruin my time allotment, leaving my schedule suddenly free, and while I was perfectly capable of coming up with something else I needed or wanted to do, it still didn’t seem like the most efficient way to spend my time or connect with women.

  What changed?

  Somewhere along the way, I started to realize that I could simply sleep with women the first day I met them. The fabled SNL – same night lay – had caught my imagination. Now, when average guys hear about people pulling SNLs they imagine drunk girls whisked off from clubs – sluts and hoes blacked out and either purposefully putting themselves out to be taken home, or senses dulled to what was happening only to discover in the morning and regret it.

  Our society doesn’t really account for the fact that women want anonymous sex, and that more often than not, a far larger segment of (female) society is open to the idea. Perhaps they don’t leave the house with the plan of ending up with a stranger in a love hotel or banging in a karaoke-kan, but when presented with the opportunity in the form of a charismatic man who recognizes them for who they are, leads them effectively and engages them emotionally, and provides no risk to their friends, family, or workplace (who would likely shame them for their desire for casual sex), they might just take them up on it.

  My first daytime SNL was a huge rush. I had pulled from clubs and bars before, and to some degree pulling girls in the night time is something that society understands to be possible. The average joe realizes that women go to clubs and sometimes leave with guys they met that night. But the daytime? ABSURD!

The typical responses and doubts creep in for guys who hear tales of daytime SNLs (or even night time, for that matter):

  -They must be ugly

-They must be desperate

-They must be sluts

-They must have messed up relationships with their fathers

-You just happened to be exactly their type

  And while some of these may be the case some of the time, the vast majority of women I (and those I’m close with) pull from streets, cafes, bookstores, train stations, department stores, buses, convenience stores, and pretty much anywhere they exist are, by and large, better looking and less of the ‘party girl” type than those people often end up with coming home with from clubs and bars.

  Somewhere in the cobwebbed corners of my mind I remember the old joke/observation someone had about the popular video series, “Girls Gone Wild.” Trying to explain the allure and massive popularity of the series over something more straightforward like porn, they casually mentioned,

  “Why is Girls Gone Wild so much better than just normal porn, despite showing less? Because porn is just porn stars. They take dicks on a regular basis, and anyone can see it and find them without really any difficulty. It’s their job to do that. But GGW is regular girls, gone wild! They do it because they want to.”

  In many ways, this explains several trends in porn itself, such as the massive popularity of amateur home videos, camgirls, “girl next door” types, wife porn, cuckolding, and more. In other words, the regular nature of the girls, the fact that they are not professionally out there riding cocks left and right and instead are doing it because they just want to go wild makes those girls more exciting.

  Similarly, while you can find the occasional “good girl” out there in clubs, chances are these girls are the kinds who are getting wasted weekly and going home with different guys. Nothing wrong with that of course, and I will happily take a hot club girl home for a romp. But there’s something extra exciting about bringing a sexual encounter to someone who otherwise had no idea of the possibility before the day. Not a regular, a professional. Creating the opportunity for a normal girl to “go wild”, as it were.

  On the streets, you find the normally bookish girl who went to girls’ university and now works tucked away in some lonely engineering firm.

  The elegant housewife, married but unsatisfied, wandering the daytime streets of Minato-ku and Omotesando.

  The tourist girl visiting from Osaka, wandering around Tokyo with bags full of shopping.

  The cosplay chick who spends nights working as a companion in various sorts of attire but is internet-famous.

  The jazz singer who performs on stages around the country, but just happens to be free and in the area that day.

  While you’ll undoubtedly stumble across party girls and the same types as you’d find in bars and clubs (indeed, they have to walk on the streets to get to those bars and clubs!), your overall range of possibilities is much higher.

On top of that, most of the hottest girls I’ve ever hooked up with, I only had ONE chance with them, usually the first day I met them. Now, I’m talking about absurdly high-level chicks here. Booked out every day for months, rarely without friends or minders, celebrities or semi-famous girls with entourages, models… you get the idea. You’re welcome to try to schedule dates with these kinds of girls. And sometimes, it can work. Sometimes, it’s the only shot you get. BUT, if you happen to catch one of these girls with an hour or so free time before her next appointment, and you DON’T pull the trigger then and there, I’ll climb down your chimney and throw caltrops on your floor while you’re sleeping because that’s a damn crime. Keep in mind these girls meet dozens, if not hundreds of wealthy, cool, socially savvy and tuned in guys every week. Your five-minute approach on the street with a number close that has you feeling over the moon isn’t likely to stick in her memory as much as pulling and instantly banging her.

  “What if she doesn’t have time at that moment?” I hear you ask, “You still wouldn’t date her?”

  On a given day of gaming out on the streets, I’ll get anywhere between 5 and 20 new contacts. Often, I never even write them a single message. Most commonly, I’ll mass invite them to parties and events I’m going to and see who turns up. And with the very minor few who make a particularly powerful impression on me and I can’t get out of my mind, then I’ll schedule an actual proper date.

  On any given day, I have a pretty high chance of pulling a girl home (or to a hotel, etc) for an SNL. In fact, the critical point at which I stopped dating so much was when I realized that, accounting for flakes on dates and girls not wanting to hook up that day, I have a better chance of hooking up with a girl by ONLY going for an SNL than by scheduling dates at all.

  Now I’m not recommending you do this. In fact, for 95% of the guys out there, this strategy would be absurd and impractical. This is something you can only do when you have a massive abundance of girls and a decent ability to go out there and pull girls for SNLs. But I just wanted to share why I stopped dating Japanese girls.

Of course, the title is a *bit* misleading. In the last month I think I scheduled about 3 dates (all with those girls that I REALLY was excited about) from over 150 new contacts. But despite dating less, I get laid more than ever.

  And I just take the girls I’ve already slept with to all those places I want to go to (fireworks, dinner, activities, etc). It’s just easier that way. They show up more often, put out, and we laugh the whole time because the “wall” has already been broken.

  What about the rest of those contacts? They get thrown on the reserve list, to be pulled out when a friend wants to throw together a party and needs a bunch of girls to show up, or if I have a particular friend who suits one girl I might try to hook them up. I also periodically hit up a huge chunk of girls (perhaps 50 or so) on a night I’m out to see if they’re also out and want to come hang together. Often, this will lead to a spontaneous “date”.

  So in summary:

  -Dating is more expensive, takes longer, requires more follow-up over text, often has more things out of your control (illness / change of moods / sudden boyfriends) than simply SNLing her then and there

-Approach more, build huge abundance while at the same time pushing each interaction farther

-Inviting large amounts of girls to one single night or event is a good use of your time and leads to higher chances of hooking up

-Often the hottest & best quality girls are the busiest, so if you catch them with some free time, swing for the fences!!

-All other things held constant, you have more to gain by making a stronger connection sooner rather than later. Sex, of course, builds connection & breaks down barriers between people.

  Ultimately, this is the way I’m gaming these days. Live on the streets, go hard in the paint, and pull for the home run.

The post Why I Stopped Dating Japanese Girls… And You Should Too! appeared first on Attraction Japan.

from Attraction Japan http://attractionjapan.com/stopped-dating-japanese-girls/

[ladyofgod8]

12/5/2016

Relationships. What are relationships? Throughout my first three months, I've been learning just that. Whether it's with my house mates, coworkers, clients, or even friends and family I keep in touch with. Relationships are so important. And I'll admit, I haven't been the best at keeping up with relationships. Recently some of us in the house had a discussion about the number of relationships we want to have in our lives. In our "inner circles" if you will. While they instantly knew they're numbers, I had a difficult time answering that question. I have many answers actually. It depends on where I am. At Santa Cruz, I was able to have upwards of 10 people I invested in. But in Azusa, I really only had four or five. Here in Chicago, I would love to have many more relationships because, despite my shyness and social awkwardness, and introversion, I generally enjoy being around people and building relationships. I enjoy being busy, but not too busy. I enjoy investing in relationships especially when I am able to share my full authentic self with that person. I also enjoy having fun. I think winding down this trimester and entering into the next, I want to begin to deepen and build new relationships. This trimester I have learned a lot about relationships. I've learned the importance of having contact with already established relationships at home through the tech fast I experienced during my first six weeks in Chicago. I've learned the difficulty of creating new friendships through random dessert invites and awkward coffee dates. I've learned the importance of community in the workplace, something I have never actually experienced in an office setting. I've learned the importance of empathy and patience and encouragement when working with my clients who are desperately trying to quit smoking under terribly difficult and stressful situations. And finally, I have learned the difficulty of living with four other very different individuals. I've fallen in love with each of them very quickly. We are a family, even when especially when we don't get along. We've had our ups and downs and our disagreements, but at the end, we are still a family and I probably wouldn't have made it through this trimester without them. My relationship with each of them is so drastically different. Sterling and I are super competitive to the point that we will not end a game until someone has won, even when the game is at a stalemate. We also have a deeper understanding of each other in that we don't enjoy being "parented" and have some degree of difficulty sympathizing with feelings we don’t understand. My relationship with Jada is special because we essentially have the same mind. We both enjoy musicals and sriracha and hot Cheetos. Abi and I have had great supportive conversations. She is the mother of the group and cares for everyone so deeply, she cries when she thinks about the end of the year...in eight months. And finally Andrew. Oh Andrew. I think I get along with and get frustrated with Andrew the most. At times he could be getting on my last nerve through being super condescending, "parenting," and just generally being kind of a jerk. He also talks a little too much. I appreciate that he has an acknowledgement of this though. While he does all these things, we still have a special relationship. Andrew and I are basically polar opposites. We disagree on many things, and have many different preferences. However, we also have many common interests such as investing in the firehouse, learning about justice issues such as race and gender and sexuality. I have probably had the best conversations with Andrew, than I've had with anyone else in my life. I think that is mainly because he is really good at knowing people and reading people. And he's mentioned to me that he has trouble reading me though. I think I'm growing in relationship most through my relationship with him for the pure fact that he challenges me to be a more empathetic and understanding and more importantly, patient person. Because most of the time I'm irritated, it's because of him. throughout this trimester I have learned a lot about myself in environment (here's some social work language for my MSWs out there). As my Mission Year goes on and as I close out this trimester, I hope to create and deepen more relationships and grow my Chicago "inner circle."

God I thank you for all the joys and Jesus's this trimester and even the junks. You have blessed me with a special community here in Little Village and in Mission Year. I have fallen in love with this life you have given me and I pray that as we go throughout the rest of this year, you bless me with even more God encounters and opportunities to love on those whom You love. God thank You for showing me what deep love for community looks like and how I can experience and live that out myself. Thank You Lord. In You Son's name I pray, amen.

[russellthornton]

Asocial vs. Antisocial: Similarities End at Social Interaction

Sometimes people confuse asocial and antisocial personality types. But what are the real differences between asocial vs. antisocial?

Humans are social creatures. The way we survive is through connection to other people. At least, for most of us. Some individuals aren’t all that fond of other people. Sometimes people born with personality traits adverse to others and sometimes learned through hurt or abuse, some humans would rather be all by themselves than have the company of others. Asocial vs. antisocial personalities are both people who would rather be solo, but they are not the same. It is important to understand the distinctions.

Many people mistake antisocial and asocial personalities as being the same. In reality, they are very different.

Asocial vs. antisocial personalities

Antisocial personalities result in behaviors inappropriate and outside the moral scope of what is right. Typically caused by the repression of their own emotions, negative perspectives on life and bad life experiences, people who are antisocial avoid social interaction or being around other people on purpose.

What is antisocial personality?

Many things cause antisocial behavior, from autism to schizophrenia *a delusional psychiatric disorder* that can make someone completely socially inept. The cornerstone of antisocial behavior is how it harms and disrupts those surrounding the individual.

An antisocial person behaves in a manner not only negative, but can be a danger to others in society. Many exhibit violent behaviors to varying degrees. The abuse can be perpetrated toward other humans or animals.

#1 Antisocial personality styles lack social moral understanding. Especially understanding morals and appropriate behaviors. They often engage in things that hurt others like stealing, rape, and, sometimes, even murder. Seeming to lack empathy or conscience, they have no sense of what is right and wrong. [Read: 25 early warning signs to watch out for toxic people]

#2 Antisocial individuals cause chaos intentionally. In fact, almost all their behaviors are intended to hurt others. They are unable to feel guilt when they offend someone. It is usually due to their lack of empathetic feelings. Antisocial personalities are formed very early on in their development. They lack the moral compass that tells us right versus wrong.

Hallmarks of an asocial personality

Asocial behavior is different. Asocial personalities are people who experience difficulty in social situations due to feeling awkward or lacking the social skills necessary to get on with other people.

They don’t have a disdain for other people. They don’t intentionally want to hurt anyone. It is just a lack of both the skills and the confidence necessary to interact with others. To compensate, they avoid social situations altogether.

#1 An asocial lacks confidence. The asocial personality lacks self-confidence and human interaction skills.

#2 Asocial personalities are often nervous and uncertain how to behave in social circles. However, they aren’t harmful to anyone but themselves usually. Afraid of rejection, they prefer to be on their own rather than to be uncomfortable trying to get along with others. Instead of feeling the potential sting of rejection, they prefer to avoid people and spend most of their time alone. [Read: 30 ways to overcome feelings of loneliness]

#3 Asocial people feel being connected to other people as a burden. They expend more energy than the benefits are from being close to someone. They would rather do things on their own.

Often they have very few, if any, friends or close acquaintances in their lives. It is because they choose to be alone than to seek out the company of others. Because of this self-imposed isolation, they are viewed negatively by those around them.

#4 The asocial individual often chooses constructive ways to avoid interaction. Things like ritual behaviors or avoidance are typical, as are the inability to look someone in the eye or to acknowledge people when they are spoken to. Because being around others is so anxiety provoking for people who are asocial, they tend to be nervous and restless when in the company of others.

This behavior only further ostracizes them and makes them an outsider. Perpetuating the feelings of not being one of the group. [Read: 14 signs you’re a homebody who needs to get out more]

Causes and treatment of both conditions

Many causes lead to people being asocial. Things like autism and schizophrenia may make someone asocial, but also things events or disorders like abuse or depression. Because people with depression aren’t interested in the day to day activities of life, they infrequently make friends or form bonds with people.

Treatment for antisocial behavior

In general, antisocial behavior is a much more caustic personality disorder because it involves violence against others. Treatment for antisocial behavior is often necessary to stop them from hurting other people.

#1 A combination of psychotherapy and medication is often the first step to recovery for the antisocial individual. Because they have a very low threshold for frustration and stress, they tend to be compulsive and to act out, which ends in hurting other people. [Read: How to deal with bullies: 13 grownup ways to confront mean people]

#2 Another form of therapy for antisocial personality disorder is behavior modification. Since they often miss key human interaction skills such as empathy and societal norm awareness, therapy focuses on trying to teach the social mores typically built-in to personalities early on. Attempts are made to teach self-control and control their impulsivity, before it becomes a negative acting out.

#3 Stress reduction is also key to helping to curb the negative behaviors of the antisocial individual. Keeping them busy, but not putting them in stressful situations where frustration is induced, is often the key. But easier said than done.

Medications are given not to stop the behaviors, but rather to address the conditions that underlie their antisocial behaviors, like schizophrenia or depression. And, thereby, lessening the incidence of antisocial behaviors that lead to hurting others or being in trouble.

Treatment for asocial behavior

Asocial people, because they are normally not a danger to anyone around them, usually do not get the help that they need.

#1 The best way to help someone with asocial personality tendencies is to boost their self-confidence in social situations and gatherings. Therapy also centers around trying to help them to relate to their own emotions and get a handle on them before they overcome them, leading to the person shutting others out of their life as a preemptive strike. [Read: How to build self-confidence: 16 ways to realize you’re worth it]

#2 Asocial personalities benefit from role-playing and practice in the give and take of social interaction and conversation. The more they understand how to interact with people, the less they avoid being around others, and the less stress they experience when thrust into social gatherings. Taking away the anxiety is often the key to opening up the asocial individual. Allowing them to let others into their world instead of hiding from a fear of rejection.

[Read: How to read people: The 12 secrets to figure anyone out instantly]

Although both have a social interaction component, asocial vs. antisocial personalities are quite different. Antisocial individuals have a disdain for others and often engage in violence against people without any guilt or remorse, while the asocial needs guidance to navigate the social mores.

The post Asocial vs. Antisocial: Similarities End at Social Interaction is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.